I decided to blog as an addition to my diary. I guess it is time to go public about some things!
I want to talk about many ideas and articles and political and personal issues but I will begin with....
My future. Your future. Our future on this planet.
I have been for the last 3 years duly concerned about our collective future because of the enormous blindness and stupidity that our government has demonstrated for too long now. In fact, I was too concerned.
I would wake up every day feeling pessimistic, almost hopeless about the future because of global warming, the right wing takeover, the lack of involvement in politics I saw in my students...all of it. I could go on and on but I don't want to.
Suffice it to say, it was difficult to believe the world was going to become conscious any time soon and get its act together. Reading Armaggedon novels night and day probably didn't help much in spite of the underlying hopeful message about community most of them contain.
And then, of course, there was the personal side. A failed marriage, over for only 5 years. A failed love affair in which I invested a huge amount of money, time and passion. And then a failed second effort at a relationship with someone I chose intellectually, thinking this time would be different. It wasn't. What I realized FINALLY was I needed to be on my own for a while before engaging with anyone. I needed time to really heal myself.
And then there was my profession. Twenty years of teaching. Is this what I wanted to be doing for another decade? Having been in a constant battle with administration over the last 2 years regarding online teaching schedules, I was pretty demoralized with the lack of clout by my Union to protect me. The pettiness of it all was not in my Leo nature. How could I disengage without feeling like I had lost? And how could I reinvigorate myself as a theater and English professor? Did I even want to?
Then my mother got ill. Double pneumonia. Eighty five years old. I thought..no more losses this year. I can't take it. Everyone thinks I am a hero for rushing to her aid and taking care of her night and day for a month til she was okay. I know the truth. I can't let her go yet. Too much still left unresolved and too much love to show, on both sides. For a while, she is still here.
On my way to Maui yesterday, I stopped at LAX before boarding United to land on this incredible island (this trip...a gift to myself) and meandered into a book store where I came across a magazine called Fast Company. What caught my eye (how pathetic!) was the really cute guy on the cover and the title Rebel in the Boardroom. Maybe that was what I should find...a business man rebel!!!! A rich business man rebel who can sweep me to a paradise island forever....
I had three minutes to get back to my gate so I dropped five bucks on the mag and took off. It wasn't until 2 hours into the flight that I actually read the damn thing.
Lo and behold the 4th annual capitalist awards were listed. Dozens of entrepreneurs and small businesses whose main concerns are being profitable AND being conscious and responsible to the planet and others. Dozens. Great people. Smart people. And caring and compassionate people making both enormous and smaller changes for us all. Get a copy and read it. It is inspiring.
And it gave me hope for the future. My future. But more than that, it told me to stop being so damned self-absorbed and think of a way to do something with my life that fits me and will help the planet. Something I can be passionate about. Something other than teaching, for which I am admittedly, on burn out.
So apart from my screenwriting and playwriting, I decided to do what I should have done thirty years ago. Become a journalist. A dogged, persistent online journalist. So I enrolled in an online journalism program at University of Massachusetts three days ago. I have no idea if I will ever actually become one but I am going to try. Somehow I can see screenwriting and journalism and playwriting all helping one another.
And teaching? I will cut back until my passion for it returns. And if it does not? I will move on.
So sometimes, I conclude, the vision we have of the world in general is really colored by the personal lack of vision we have in our own lives. Mine just opened up. The world from this balcony in Napili Bay looks quite beautiful and hopeful now.
It's up to me to keep it that way.
End of first blog. Hope I didn't bore you all to death. Joanna
